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Shame Therapy: Dealing with Toxic Shame Through Therapy

Brad Brenner, Ph.D.

Shame is the feeling that an individual is, at their core, a bad person. While some people experience shame for no reason, others experience feelings of shame after making amends for a perceived mistake, highlighting that shame is not a basic emotion but a complex social one.

Feelings of shame can affect anyone at any stage of life—from adolescence through adulthood. If left ignored, shame can contribute to a wide range of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Sometimes, shame can be so paralyzing that individuals find it difficult to function at work or school and form close relationships with others.

If you’re experiencing shame, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you understand why you feel ashamed, navigate your mental health concerns, and break free from shame.

therapy for shame

Understanding Shame

Shame is a complex and painful emotion that can deeply affect an individual’s mental health and overall well-being. Unlike other emotions, shame often targets the entire self, making a person feel fundamentally flawed or unworthy. This painful emotion can be triggered by a variety of experiences, such as past traumas, social rejection, or perceived failures and shortcomings. When someone feels shame, they might experience intense feelings of guilt, regret, and self-blame, which can be overwhelming and paralyzing.

The impact of such emotion is far-reaching, often hindering personal growth and development. People who feel shame may struggle to seek help, form healthy relationships, or pursue their goals and aspirations. This is because the weight of shame can make them believe they are undeserving of support, love, or success. Understanding the nature of shame is the first step in addressing it and moving towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.

What is the painful emotion of toxic shame?

Toxic shame is a chronic form of shame that leads to negative emotions and behaviors that harm oneself or others. Over time, chronic internalized shame can make ordinary shame feel more intense, leading to anxiety and secrecy. “Toxic shame limits the development of self-esteem and causes anxiety and depression, and limits our ability to be connected in relationships,” according to John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame that Binds You.

Individuals with greater shame proneness are more likely to experience chronic internalized shame, which can lead to anxiety and secrecy.

Individuals who experience shame may feel like they are unworthy of love. Meanwhile, others will avoid connecting with others out of fear that others will eventually realize they’re a bad person. Toxic shame can cause a wide range of relationship problems, including:

  • Difficulty forming or sustaining close relationships

  • Feelings of isolation and loneliness

  • Entering abusive relationships or acting abusively toward others

  • Challenges being honest with friends and family members

Sometimes, people who experience shame will engage in harmful behaviors such as cutting, restrictive eating, or binge-eating. According to Bradshaw, “shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors.” Some people may attempt to cope with unhealthy shame or seek validation through:

According to recent research, unhealthy shame is often linked to suicidal thoughts. Toxic shame can take a significant toll on your mental health, leading to low self-esteem, sadness, and other mental health concerns. Unfortunately, due to the social stigma surrounding mental illness, many people with internal shame fail to seek help.

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The Impact of Shame on Mental Health

Shame can have a profound impact on mental health, often contributing to the development of serious conditions such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). When someone experiences shame, it can lead to a cycle of negative self-talk and self-criticism, which only exacerbates these mental health issues. The constant barrage of negative evaluations can make it difficult for individuals to see their worth, leading to a downward spiral of self-esteem.

Moreover, shame can be a significant barrier to seeking help and treatment. Many people feel too ashamed to reach out for support, fearing judgment or further humiliation. This secret shame can keep them isolated, preventing them from accessing the resources and care they need to improve their mental health. It’s crucial to recognize the impact of shame and take steps to address it, as doing so can lead to a more positive and hopeful outlook on life.

Distinguishing Shame from Guilt

Shame and guilt are often confused, but they are distinct emotions with different implications for mental health. Guilt is a feeling of remorse or regret for a specific action or behavior. For example, you might feel guilty for lying to a friend or missing an important deadline. Guilt can be a motivating force for change, prompting you to make amends and improve your behavior.

In contrast, shame is a more global and painful emotion that encompasses negative self-evaluation and feelings of worthlessness. When you feel shame, you don’t just feel bad about a specific action; you feel that you, as a person, are fundamentally flawed. This can lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair, making it difficult to see a way out. Understanding the difference between these distinct emotions is crucial for addressing them effectively. While guilt can be constructive, shame is often debilitating and requires a compassionate approach to overcome.

Therapy for Toxic Shame and Self Esteem

In many cases, the experience of shame arises after a traumatic event, leading ashamed people to internalize negative beliefs about themselves. An individual might fear that they deserved to experience trauma, feel ashamed of emotional abuse or neglect, or experience guilt about surviving a life-threatening experience. When toxic shame is related to trauma, it’s important to seek trauma-informed care to address the root cause of shame. Some therapeutic interventions for toxic shame include:

  • Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) helps people identify negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and replace them with better ways of thinking.

  • Prolonged exposure therapy (PE) gradually exposes an individual to larger doses of triggers linked to trauma to reduce the feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety.

  • Cognitive processing therapy (CPT) helps individuals navigate their trauma and understand how trauma affects their emotions and behaviors.

  • Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) uses specific eye movements to help an individual navigate their trauma.

  • Psychodynamic psychotherapy goes beyond treating the symptoms of shame to help people understand the root causes of their shame.

Some other types of talk therapy that may help with internal shame, especially shame that is not related to trauma, include:

  • Compassionate mind training (CMP) helps individuals who are self-critical express their vulnerability and practice self-compassion.

  • Emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) fosters compassion and empathy among couples to help with shame that interferes with trust and closeness.

The Role of Therapy in Overcoming Shame

Therapy can play a crucial role in overcoming shame and promoting mental health and well-being. A skilled therapist can help individuals identify and label their feelings of shame, providing a safe and supportive environment to explore these painful emotions. Through therapy, individuals can develop strategies for managing and overcoming shame, such as challenging negative thought patterns and practicing self-compassion.

Therapists can also help individuals understand the root causes of their shame, whether it’s related to past traumas, social rejection, or perceived failures. By addressing these underlying issues, therapy can help individuals develop greater self-awareness and self-acceptance. This process can be transformative, allowing individuals to break free from the grip of shame and move towards a more positive and fulfilling life.

How To Seek Help for Toxic Shame

The first step in seeking help for shame involves identifying negative emotions. Some people aren’t conscious of their shame, while others worry that seeking help will leave them vulnerable to the judgment of others. Many individuals have felt shame in various situations, such as being judged or criticized, which can deeply affect their mental health. Because shame exacerbates feelings of disgust, low self-esteem, and loneliness, some people irrationally fear that their psychologist will eventually discover that their shame is deserved.

No matter what type of shame you’re experiencing, these are self-defeating thoughts. Shame is highly treatable, and it’s important to remember that your shame serves no purpose. There’s no such thing as “healthy shame,” and shame only causes harm to yourself and others.

To break free from your shame, reach out to a mental health professional through WithTherapy. We’ll connect you to a licensed therapist you feel comfortable with, regardless of your personal preferences and requirements. One of the experienced mental health professionals on the WithTherapy platform will help you identify your shame, address the root causes behind it, and learn how to live a productive, shame-free life.

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