Comparative suffering involves feeling the need to see one’s suffering in light of other people’s pain. In other words, people who think in terms of comparative suffering may believe that they suffer more than someone who missed their bus, but less than a starving child. According to shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown, people tend to wear uncomfortable moments like a badge of honor. In some cases, people can be quick to judge others who they feel haven’t paid their dues, even pain and hurt are subject to these comparisons.
Brown recently spoke of comparative suffering in relation to the current COVID-19 pandemic on an episode of her Unlocking Us podcast. Brown noted that when people operate from a place of fear and scarcity, they are more vulnerable to comparative suffering. For example, people working from home might compare themselves to workers on the front lines and decide that they don’t deserve to complain. When people assess their own suffering and decide that it doesn’t measure up to others, they block their natural reactions to events, including the feelings they have. Scarcity immediately triggers comparison, exacerbating feelings of isolation and inadequacy.
Some people also use comparative suffering to make themselves feel small, even when they have accomplishments to celebrate. For instance, if you’re working hard to hit a work-related goal, you might minimize your accomplishment if you feel that your achievement is smaller than that of a coworker.
Understanding Comparative Suffering
Comparative suffering is a phenomenon where individuals measure their struggles against those of others, often to downplay their own suffering or to feel better about their situation. This behavior can lead to a lack of empathy towards oneself and others, distorting the perception of one’s own suffering. Various factors can trigger comparative suffering, such as social media, societal expectations, and personal experiences.
For instance, scrolling through social media and seeing others’ seemingly perfect lives can make you feel inadequate about your own struggles. Recognizing the signs of comparative suffering, like feeling guilty or inadequate about your own problems, is crucial. Understanding its impact on mental health can help you address these feelings more constructively.
Signs of Comparative Suffering and How to Practice Empathy
Comparative suffering affects everyone differently, but some of the most common signs of comparative suffering include:
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Quitting and burnout: Quitting and burnout can happen when you compare yourself to others and see yourself as the one who suffers the most. For example, if you’re forced to work a job that you feel is beneath you, you might feel like you’re suffering more than family members who get the jobs they want. Over time, the effects of burnout accumulate and can take a toll on your mental health. You might also feel disappointed when comparing your struggles to those of others who seem to have it worse.
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Withdrawal: If you believe you’re having a harder time than your family members and friends, you might assume that others don’t understand you. This can lead to withdrawal. If you’re comparing other people’s suffering to your own without fully understanding other’s experiences, it can significantly change your perception of people and their potential availability to you.
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Bitterness: If you’re struggling with a sense of failure or depression, it’s healthy to recognize your suffering and admit it rather than dwelling on your perception that others are better off than you. Comparing the success and happiness of others to your own can lead to resentment and negative thoughts. Furthermore, in some cases, your perception might not align with reality.
The Impact on Mental Health
Comparative suffering can have significant consequences on mental health, including increased stress, anxiety, and depression. When individuals downplay their own struggles or compare them to others, they may feel like they’re not entitled to their emotions or to seek help. This suppression of emotions can manifest as physical symptoms, such as headaches or fatigue, and can exacerbate existing mental health conditions.
Moreover, comparative suffering can create a sense of loneliness and disconnection. When you feel like your problems are insignificant compared to others, it can lead to feelings of isolation, making it harder to reach out for support.
The Importance of Acknowledging Own Suffering
Acknowledging and validating your own suffering is crucial for overcoming comparative suffering. When you recognize and accept your emotions and struggles, you can begin to develop empathy and compassion towards yourself. This self-compassion can help you build a more positive self-image and reduce self-criticism.
Acknowledging your own suffering also allows you to seek help and support when needed, rather than trying to manage your emotions alone. By prioritizing your emotional well-being, you can create a more supportive and understanding community around you, where everyone’s struggles are acknowledged and validated.
Practicing Empathy and Compassion
Practicing empathy and compassion towards yourself and others is essential for overcoming comparative suffering. Empathy involves understanding and relating to others’ experiences, while compassion involves treating yourself and others with kindness and understanding. By practicing empathy and compassion, you can develop a more nuanced understanding of suffering and recognize that everyone’s struggles are unique and valid.
This approach can help create a more supportive community where individuals feel comfortable sharing their emotions and struggles without fear of judgment or comparison. By fostering more empathy, you can contribute to a culture where everyone’s pain is acknowledged and respected.
What Should You Do If You’re Struggling With Your Own Suffering and Comparative Suffering?
Constantly comparing your life experiences to others can make it difficult to express empathy for others and take pride in your own accomplishments. Comparing yourself to others also can detrimentally affect your mental health. This is especially true if you’re struggling with pre-existing mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety disorders. Exploring the following options can help you stop comparing yourself to others:
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Everyone experiences difficult situations in life, and nobody is immune to them. It’s helpful to allow each other—and ourselves—to express our own feelings that we have. Working with a therapist can help you learn coping strategies, practice empathy, and manage your behavior and response to others.
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Keep a gratitude journal: Focusing on your suffering and comparing your achievements to others can make it challenging to feel happy or satisfied with your life. Noting small daily achievements, positive experiences, and meaningful interactions can remind you of your successes and help you avoid exclusively focusing on the hard things.
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Reaching out to friends and family members can allow you to express your feelings in a safe space and overcome internalized stigma toward your achievements and suffering. When talking to loved ones, don’t try to best one another or react with a story of your own struggle. Instead, aim to create a space for each other to give both of you room to share your issues.
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Practice self-care: Comparing your suffering to others can lessen your empathy—whether it’s empathy for yourself, others, or both. If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, it’s essential to take care of both your mental and physical health
Creating a Supportive Community
Creating a supportive community is critical for overcoming comparative suffering. When individuals feel comfortable sharing their emotions and struggles without fear of judgment or comparison, they can develop deeper connections with others and feel less alone. A supportive community provides a safe space for individuals to process their emotions, seek help and support, and develop empathy and compassion towards themselves and others.
By fostering a culture of empathy and compassion, we can create a more supportive and understanding community where everyone’s struggles are acknowledged and validated. This collective support can help mitigate the negative effects of comparative suffering and promote overall mental health and well-being.
What should you look for in a therapist?
If you’re struggling with comparing your suffering and accomplishments to others, consider reaching out to a mental health professional listed on the WithTherapy platform. WithTherapy’s unique service will match you with a mental health professional that you feel comfortable with, regardless of your personal preferences and requirements.
One of the qualified mental health professionals on the WithTherapy platform can help you to manage your response and behavior and stop comparing yourself to others. In the aftermath of natural disasters, acknowledging personal struggles and the role of empathy in healing is crucial.
Ready to find support and address your challenges? Schedule with a therapist uniquely matched to you. Insights gained from personal experiences over the past decade highlight the importance of empathy and validation in overcoming feelings of fear and scarcity.
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